March 11, 2009
Conservative Divorce Agreement

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.
but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Posted by John425 at March 11, 2009 09:27 AM | Email This
1. So you'd divide the U.S. into a progressive European state and a failed African state, then? As long as we get to keep half the nuclear weapons, that's just fine by me.

Posted by: demo kid on March 12, 2009 10:03 AM
2. For DemoKid: What's the difference between a "progressive" state and a failed African state? Answer: Geography.

Posted by: John425 on March 12, 2009 12:24 PM
3. As long as we get to keep half the nuclear weapons, that's just fine by me.

So the whining lefties can disable them?

You, our little dimwit, are a cartoon and you don't even know it.

Posted by: Ragnar Danneskjold on March 12, 2009 12:47 PM
4. @2: You really don't know what you're talking about, do you? Half an America under the heel of Republicans would be GREAT for the very rich, but the poor would be worse off than in any random tinpot dictatorship. Might as well call it New Haiti. Shooting the poor would be more humane.

Posted by: demo kid on March 12, 2009 09:54 PM
5. DemoKid: Half of America under the "heel of Republicans" would mean everybody has an equal opportunity to make as much as they legally can. Barry Goldwater once remarked that if the average income in the USA was $100,0000 there would still be a segment of the population only capable of making $20,000. You'd be one of them, and you'd be bitching about life not being "fair".

Posted by: John425 on March 13, 2009 10:58 AM
6. @5: You just don't get it, do you? I don't care if people make $30,000 or $30 million. I really don't. But folks making $30,000 a year in an advanced Western country by working 60 hours a week at two jobs for minimum wage and no health care? Only the selfish or soulless would look at that and say that people bring it on themselves.

Posted by: demo kid on March 13, 2009 04:34 PM
7. I'll take half of America.

The rest of you 300,000,000 Bozo's can cram into the other half.

Posted by: John Bailo on March 13, 2009 08:00 PM
8. They can have Eric Earling too.

He is going to sell out to the Democrats sooner or later. It's just a matter of when and how much he personally gains when he does.

Posted by: Max on March 15, 2009 02:48 PM
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