This week, Seattle was plunged into chaos when a monster snowstorm of Biblical proportions dropped a fantastic two inches of snow on the Metropolitan region.
Seattleites, who are horrible drivers in the best of weather, immediately set out to show the world how uncommonly stupid they are in a mind-bogglingly short span of time.
Before the first inch of snow had accumulated, Seattleites threw all semblance of reason out the window. (This is not much of a stretch, considering the demographics in these parts.) Suddenly, eco-conscious metrosexual urbanites in their blob-like Toyota Priuses found themselves occupying ditches without so much as an environmental impact statement. Snazzy Range Rovers, Porsche Cayennes, and BMW X-5s also fell prey to the savage onslaught of the howling winter tempest that left the city paralyzed under two inches of frozen hell and soccer moms scratching their heads in bewilderment.
I confess I had it easy. I learned to drive in West Virginia in the winter. I knew how to go up and down hills. Furthermore, knowing full well the importance of torque and traction in winter conditions, I ignored the shrill urgings of Al Gore and bought my wife a big, bad, heavy, 4-wheel-drive Chevy Suburban. Thus, getting up down hills was a piece of cake. Nevertheless, navigating the 8 miles to my ER for work was a sheer nightmare. Not merely because of the snow or ice; but also because of the incredible number of cars abandoned in the middle of the frigging road by their amazingly stupid owners.
My wife informed me that heard some expert equate two inches of snow in Seattle is equal to 14 inches of snow in New York City simply because of the hills in our area. I replied that one stupid Seattle driver is the equivalent of the driving population of Boston, Massachusetts.
I heard one Seattleite with whom I work blame "out-of-staters" for Monday night's traffic hell. When I countered that I was from West Virginia and had no problems dealing with the icy roads, he shot back, "I bet you have a gas-guzzling SUV."
I said, "Yes I do. What do you drive?"
"I drive a Honda Hybrid," she replied with with an air of moral superiority.
"You mean the green one with its rear end sticking into the middle of the road at the bottom of the hill?" I asked.
No reply.
"Are you a native Seattleite?"
No reply.
"So it's my fault that you left your eco-friendly Granola Mobile down the hill with its ass sticking out in the middle of the road, yet I made it up the hill in my SUV because I am from out of state?"
Earth Mama growled at me and stomped away.
What frustrates sensible people is that this happens every flippin' year, and yet the people never seem to get the lesson. If the city, county and state transportations departments had any shred of common sense, they would be prepared for this kind of thing that happens every year. But instead, the Seattle mayor is more interested in sinking billions of dollars into a tunnel, and the county is more interested in buying stretches of commercially-viable railroad and turning them into dog walks. Seattle may be bogged down in snow, and Seattle natives may be pathetic drivers, but Mayor Greg Nickels and King County Executive Ron Sims are simply frozen solid in criminal stupidity.
Posted by ERNurse at December 01, 2006 02:57 PM | Email ThisAs always, you are hillarious. I didn't know you were from WV. I just came back from a visit to Huntington where it was about 70 degrees and missed the "snow storm" but made it back just in time for the after shock. I'll have to send your account to my relatives there. They will get a kick, I know. And they are mostly Democrats, by the way who drive SUVs and don't recycle.
Posted by: Michelle on December 1, 2006 10:15 PMI had 4 inches of snow in my front yard... 4 It was um. Yawn, underwhelming.
I've now lived here for 25 years, and every snow fall I'm tempted to take a lawn chair to the nearest intersection or hill and watch the fun.
In 25 years I have driven a variety of cars all with nothing more than all seasons radials and put chains on my car once, for 25 feet! My drive way was a slope and the choice was a running start and ending up across the street in neighbors garage or stuck in my drive. The Christmas of '96 I think when we had 12"-14" I drove a Camry everyday with all season radial and had zero problems.
I learned to drive where there are 12 to 18 high poles along the roads. They are so you find the roads.
No one is taught to DRIVE any more. Merely to pass the written test, drive a car around the block and parallel park. Skills real defensive driving, planning ahead, evasive maneuvering, skid control and not taught any more.
I just love driving up hills and giving a smile to all those folks who haven't got it figured out.
Posted by: JCM on December 2, 2006 08:34 AMIf the culture of Seattle was more oriented towards personal success and reliance on oneself, then people confronted with new and different weather conditions would be cautious and then ultimately successful in navigating the roads.
I had zero trouble. It's not that hard to drive in the snow if you follow simple common sense implications of the physics of motion with reduced friction. But given that a significant percentage of WA high school students can't even pass a basic math test, is there any wonder why Puget Sounders can't drive in two inches of snow?
Posted by: Jeff B. on December 2, 2006 09:34 AMNow I'm not saying that native Mossbacks are the best snow drivers. I can remember watching the aftermath of a few blizzards in the 1980s and early 1990s. Yes traffic was a mess for a few hours day and they had to shut down school for a day (or open late). But keep in mind 20 years ago most vehicles were rear-wheel drive and tire technology was not as advanced.
Still, from personal observations, it's the influx of out-of-state drivers combined with almost zero improvement to local roadways that has made traffic in general, and snow driving in particular, difficult.
So these yobbos blast past the rest of us (including we SUV drivers who know our physics) and end up in a ditch, wrapped around a tree, or they cause other drivers to end up there.
I think that anyone who buys a big SUV (native or otherwise) should go through a driving class and receive an endorsement on their driving license, just like when one buys a motorcycle. Otherwise, these soccer mommies and urban go-getters need to be forced to drive Honda Hybrids painted an ugly color (which they usually are) so the rest of us can spot and avoid them.
Posted by: ERNurse on December 2, 2006 03:57 PMSome commedien, don't know which one, suggested replacing airbags in the steering wheel with a sharp spike pointed at the drivers chest would do more to ensure a driving paying attention and driving safely than anything else.
Posted by: JCM on December 2, 2006 09:13 PM-To which I can attest as a highly-skilled medical professional.
Hmmm... thinking... nope. I honestly cannot think of a single time that I ever scrubbed real estate out of the backside of a guy who got into an accident when driving a car. On the other hand, I have lost count of how many times I have done so to a biker. I guess that underscores your point well enough. Eh, Bill?
Posted by: ERNurse on December 2, 2006 10:43 PMYeah, ERNurse I've seen guys crash their bikes. It's not pretty. Motorcycles are a nanny state target waiting to happen if they manage to push through national healthcare. I've had to visit the ER a few times over the years but never for anything motorcycle related, (knock on wood).
Posted by: Bill Cruchon on December 3, 2006 09:22 AMYou know, there just might be a correlation between drivers who don’t understand a simple four way stop and ticket voters along with union sycophants.
We live in a land of LOW/Zero expectations. If you expected people to get around and drive, they would.
As it stands, nobody gets fired or judged for being a stupid or lazy driver.
why bother...
Posted by: righton on December 4, 2006 12:37 PMYou have a point. I can't remember the last time I heard about a Metro bus driver being canned. Or Access, for that matter. Those guys could not be reliable if their everlovin' lives depended on it. But they make scads of money.
Posted by: ERNurse on December 4, 2006 03:07 PM