March 07, 2008
Cryptoid Global Warming

Conservatives tend to poo-poo the threat posed by Global Warming, suggesting it should be treated to the same scientific scrutiny as any other theory instead of blindly accepting it whole-cloth.

This writer was in the same boat until news came out of Scotland about the extinction of Earth's most gentle and majestic creatures.

According to noted biologist and "Nessie hunter" Robert Rines, Global Warming has killed the Loch Ness Monster.

"Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years, the trail has since gone cold and Rines believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming."

The 85-year old American has spent the last 37-years searching for the aquatic creature using an array of sonar equipment. After taking one possible photograph of the beast's flipper in 1971 Rines has concluded Nessie has gone the way of the Dodo bird.

As an amateur cryptozoologist, and a descendent of Scottish Highlanders, this news is distressing.

The extinction of the Loch Ness sub-species only leaves two remaining populations of nessiteras rhombopteryx in the world; Lake Chelan and Lake Baikal in Siberia.

Like a canary in a coal mine explosion this tragedy should sound the warning bell to all lovers of cryptoid creatures. It is not just the world's population of "Nessies" that face extinction from the effects of Global Warming.

Our native Sasquatch population was already in sharp decline due to anthropomorphic geological events. Depending on an ecosystem of pristine temperate rain forests all sub-species of Sasquatch are acutely vulnerable to even the slightest change in weather variables.

Thriving indigenous populations of Sasquatch that had settled around Ape Canyon on Mount St. Helens northeast slopes have been largely wiped out or dispersed after the goddess Louwala-Clough grew wroth over the arrogant behavior demonstrated by encroaching suburban sprawl and caused the mountain to erupt in 1980. (See the 1999 article in Cryptoid Biologist titled "Virgins, Volcanoes and appeasing Vulcan")

Poor forest management policies of the Bush administration have led to the extinctions of Sasquatch populations in the Beaver Creek and Busy Wild River watersheds (located in the Elbe Hills) as well as the eradication of the Humboldt subspecies in Northern California.

Although Sasquatch are still numerous in British Columbia and Alaska, populations of the hominoid in the Lower 48 States have been in sharp decline in recent years despite relocation efforts and vigorous volunteer breeding programs.

As a species that has never been officially scientifically documented, Sasquatch are particularly susceptible to the effects of anthropomorphic Global Warming; which too has never been officially scientifically documented. Higher temperatures leave the fur covered bipeds more vulnerable to disease due to mange, langor and poor diet. Warmer winters do not kill off parasitic larvae incubating in trees and on the forest floor. It has been documented that Global Warming is solely responsible for forest fires which, prior to the Industrial Revolution, were non-existent in the Pacific Northwest.

It is also unknown how the ravages of anthropomorphic Global Warming have afflicted the populations of other lesser-known cryptoid species. With the demise of the scientific journal Weekly World News research projects documenting species such as the Chupacabra, Elvii, Yeti, Batboy and Mothman have been severely curtailed.

There is still time for action.

Readers need to contact their local elected representatives to demand that legislation be enacted to document and preserve our cryptoid animals and to turn the clock back on climate change.

Let us all rally behind the cry "Global Warming Killed the Loch Ness Monster!!!"

I've written to my congressman. You need to do the same.

Posted by DonWard at March 07, 2008 03:37 PM | Email This

My grandpa tried to convince me that ol' Nessie lived in Lake (h)Elsinore. I later discovered that it was merely a collection of balloons made to LOOK like Nessie.

Deceived once again by The Man.

Posted by: Cydney on March 7, 2008 04:02 PM
2. Dang it! That must also mean that "climate change" has killed the legendary Ogopogo of British Columbia that dwelled in huge Okanangen Lake.

Theory had it that Ogopogo came to the Lake via an underground stream that came straight from Loch Ness.

I hate progress.

Posted by: Bill Cruchon on March 7, 2008 04:04 PM
3. That damn monster is over at Chefs parents house trying to trick them into giving him tree fiddy.

Posted by: Dave on March 7, 2008 04:53 PM

Posted by: JDH on March 7, 2008 04:57 PM
5. Anyone besides me ever notice that the famous photo of "nessie" was probably just some guy holding his arm up out of the water and cupping his hand? Any of us can replicate that with a bit of photo-shop blurring. Look at that photo and then hold your forearm vertical and cup your hand. There's "nessie".

Posted by: Bill Cruchon on March 7, 2008 05:05 PM
6. Very funny, I know...
But, what if it's true?

Posted by: Duffman on March 7, 2008 05:15 PM
7. Duffman, don't think I wasn't worried about Ogopogo when I swam out into deep water in that big lake.

Posted by: Bill Cruchon on March 7, 2008 05:20 PM
8. Stefan. How did you ever let "Cryptoid GW" ever get posted on this site?????

Posted by: JFM. on March 7, 2008 05:36 PM

That is hilarious.

Almost as funny as this.

Posted by: Noble on March 7, 2008 06:06 PM
10. Actually Nessie died...of laughter...after reading Al Gore's fact-lacking BS Book.
Actually her death came from hearing Gore one the Nobel Prize for fiction.

Posted by: Mr. Cynical on March 7, 2008 06:38 PM
11. Laugh if you will, but as I think Duffman can confirm, it was I who pointed out long ago the correlation between Global Warming and a decrease in sightings of Swedish sea serpent Storsjoodjuret.

Laugh if you will. They laughed at Columbus when he said the earth was round, too.

Posted by: storsie on March 7, 2008 08:09 PM
12. I'm surprised that the U.S. hasn't used the Endangered Species Act to protoct Ogopogo.

The USFS tried just that with sasquatch in the mid 1970s. Spawning the funniest true story of all time.

The clever USFS agents in SW Oregon figured that they could enlarge some wilderness lands by confirming that Sasquatch existed thereabouts and would therefore qualify for protection under ESA.

So they built a large steel bird cage which was designed to slam down and lock if its trigger was tripped.

It was equipped with a transmitter and baited with bananas and other fruit.

After several days of inactivity, a buzzer went off at the District Ranger's office, and the race up the gravel roads began.

Arriving in a cloud of dust....low and behold, the USFS had trapped a large and enraged near hominid.

A well known local hippie.

Posted by: Bart Cannon on March 7, 2008 09:11 PM
13. Guess Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny can't be far behind.

Posted by: Ron K on March 7, 2008 09:40 PM
14. David Matthews is a retarded idiot ! (my contribution to the Global warming hysteria discussion)

Posted by: KS on March 7, 2008 10:33 PM
15. Well then, I guess the even warmer global warming experienced by earth from 1000 to 1400 must've killed off Nessie, too. (How it gets killed off twice is beyond me, but that's what you'd have to be concluding now, isn't it?)

Posted by: Michele on March 7, 2008 11:46 PM
16. ;-)

Posted by: Jeff B. on March 7, 2008 11:51 PM
17. Not to worry. The History Channel has investigated the Sasquatch and they are pretty damn sure that there are some in the Mount St. Helens area. Of course they don't have a scintilla of physical evidence, just the anecdotes of the true believers. Which is all that the true believers of the Church of Global Warming have.

Posted by: Bill K. on March 7, 2008 11:59 PM
18. So, that old dude used sonar "for years" looking for nessie and they think "she" has gone extinct...... but no one is blaming the U.S. Navy? The wackos must be slipping. damn global warming.

Posted by: Bad Bob on March 8, 2008 06:48 AM
19. With this whole global warming thing, Sasquatch is going to be shedding giant fur balls all over the Cascades....

Posted by: Doc-T on March 8, 2008 07:29 AM
20. What's not clear to me is how does Mr Rines know for sure that it was global warming that caused this.

Posted by: Duffman on March 8, 2008 07:48 AM
21. Well, global warming gets blamed for virtually everything, or so it seems. I'm hearing that the northern hemisphere has had the coldest winter in 100 years. The cause, no doubt, global warming!

Global warming is nothing more than the latest scheme embraced by the left as a vehicle to cram socialism down our throats. Thirty years ago it was the "coming ice age" and before that it was global overpopulation.

The left is unable to win with their actual ideas,(which fail utterly), so they resort to fear-mongering every chance they get.

Posted by: Bill Cruchon on March 8, 2008 08:15 AM
22. Get that idiot back here to the States before he causes us futher embarrassment.

Posted by: paul on March 8, 2008 09:08 AM
23. #12:

Sorry the ESA won't work for Ogopogo. Okanogan Lake is in Canada, and they have yet to ask for union with the USA. That won't happen for another decade at least.

And Michele, your lack of faith in St Gore worries me greatly. Have you been taking money from Exxon-Mobile?

Posted by: deadwood on March 8, 2008 09:35 AM
24. Bravo Don Ward! And all of you above interpretifiers and extensifiers of his brilliant scientific demonstration.

And the ESA will apply to Ogopogo, on account of all them connecting tunnels under the borders through which he commutes to Loch Ness and picturesque lakes worldwide like Titicaca.

Posted by: Insufficiently Sensitive on March 8, 2008 10:00 AM
25. I want to join Michelle in coming out that I too am completely funded by Exxon-Mobile and BP. I think every conservative should admit that were it not for our funding from oil interests, we would not be so against the Global Warming Hysteria.

You know, sort of like Al Gore admitting that were it not for his own IPO interests as a knowledgeable board member and Global Warming High Priest, and Carbon Cap and Trade interests, he wouldn't be so over-the-top with his Climate Hysteria Cult.

As the Nutroots Loons like to say, Follow The Money.

Posted by: Jeff B. on March 8, 2008 11:11 AM
26. I just called Exxon today asking where the &%#!! is my check!

Posted by: Bill Cruchon on March 8, 2008 11:25 AM
27. #15: LOL!

and thank you Jeff B., for reminding everyone that Al Gore has SEVERE conflict of interest going on while promoting his religion of global warming.

....and Deadwood, how did you discover my terrible secret?? It's true--I only say what Exxon-Mobile tells me to. :-)

Posted by: Michele on March 8, 2008 12:31 PM
28. I admit to being a bit naive on this issue, but I thought the so called 'Loch Ness Monster' was in fact an actual sea creature that had been documented...or was it all a joke? If the creature did finally die, can they actually attribute the cause to global warming. Seems to me there would be many other factors that might be old age for instance? I thought this creature had been around for decades and just how long would an entity like this live. The whole thing sound rather suspicious to me.

Posted by: Duffman on March 8, 2008 12:54 PM
29. correction:
That s/h/b #19 LOL!

Posted by: Michele on March 8, 2008 02:38 PM
30. It probably just swam all the way to puget sound, knowing that it could plead with Queen Christine to get citizenship, free medical care, and and occasional red herring thrown it's way.

Posted by: GS on March 8, 2008 02:53 PM
31. It probably just swam all the way to puget sound, knowing that it could plead with Queen Christine to get citizenship, free medical care and ballots good for 350 votes each in the next ten King County elections.

Posted by: Insufficiently Sensitive on March 8, 2008 03:15 PM
32. Quick, someone check Stefan's voter DB. Nessie may have voted in King County in 2004.

Posted by: Jeff B. on March 8, 2008 05:34 PM
33. It is all George Bush's fault.

Posted by: janet s on March 8, 2008 06:20 PM
34. I'm sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but the Locke Ness Monster has been replaced with the GregoireNess Monster.

I'd gladly send this one to scotland, at taxpayer expense, if he could subject her to the deepest water to show up every hundred years or so for a handout.

Posted by: GS on March 8, 2008 10:45 PM
35. I went to Golden Pond to try and catch Walter...but...sniff...he's not warming got him.

Posted by: JimmyTheGeek on March 8, 2008 11:07 PM
36. Deadwood at 23. The South end of Okanogan Lake is in the U.S.

As with all endangered species, a modern corpse is required for protection status, so at the moment, Okanogan Lake is safe from regulation due to Ogopogo. I don't think Canada's "Species at Risk Act" is law yet, so no bilateral agreement would ensue anyway.

Here is a test using a "cryptozoan" to see how many Sierra Club lurkers read this blog.

Snowfields and cold soils in the Coast Ranges and Cascades are habitat for a peculiar flightless insect which looks like an albino earwig. It is known as the grylloblattid. It is so sensitive temperature that if one is held in your hand its metabolic rate increase to the point that it expires after about a minute.

It is the perfect global warming indicator species for the latter reason and because it is so difficult to find that only a few hundred people on earth have ever seen a live one. I'm one of the few.

So. Have at it Sierra Club. Not as dramatic a symbol as the Polar Bear, but so much more delicate. Photoshop a weak and dying grylloblattid onto a melting snowball.

Just for fun. Think about this. The flightless 45 degree plus intolerant grylloblattid also shows up in the mountains of New Zealand.

Posted by: Bart Cannon on March 9, 2008 09:00 AM
37. "As with all endangered species, a modern corpse is required for protection status."--Bart Cannon.

Bart, did you know that Swedish sea serpent Storsjoodjuret, a relative of Nessie (both are classed as 'many-humped' serpents) was on the ESL until 2005? What does that tell you?

I'll let one of you genius right-wing bullies fill in the blank...

Posted by: storsie on March 9, 2008 09:15 AM
38. I hope you all know that I'm NOT KIDDING about the existance of a species of insect known as the "grylloblattid". That's the correct spelling of its "common" name. As I recall its scientific family name is grylloblattidae.

I found a new species of it in the cold headwaters of Lennox Creek in King County back in 1975.

And that's why I'm so famous to this day, even though it was named "grylloblattid manni" in honor of the entomologist who didn't believe I found some below the snow line.

Posted by: Bart Cannon on March 9, 2008 09:58 AM
39. Come to think of it, has anyone really SEEN the tooth fairy lately? Might be another victim of climate change, huh?

Posted by: katomar on March 9, 2008 10:00 AM
40. I know Bart. Nor am I kidding about Storsjoodjuret. It was listed on the ESL until 2005, removed I believe at the behest of a Swedish 'hunters rights' group.

Posted by: storsie on March 9, 2008 10:02 AM
41. This entry is classic. I couldn't hide my laughter as I sit here in the Orlando airport. Most people around me have inquired as to the source of my laughter; I've had them read over the entry. Nobody can make it past the 3rd paragraph without cracking up. Kudos!!

Posted by: Patrick on March 9, 2008 10:03 AM
42. Storsie,

I keep forgetting that our bloggers name themselves after various ephemeral concepts.

Will you re-appear as Snail Darter? I think I'll copyright that one.

I am now soberly considering the fact that Sweden spent a euro or two protecting the concept of Storsie.

Were those euros from North Sea oil?

Posted by: Bart Cannon on March 9, 2008 10:13 AM
43. Nessie and Storsie died of old age. They were older than Methuselah. It was time. RIP.

Posted by: WVH on March 9, 2008 08:30 PM
5 year olds worldwide are reporting that their "invisible friends" have been moving north to avoid Global Warming.

Posted by: John Bailo on March 10, 2008 09:15 AM
45. Free range leprechauns are delicious.

Posted by: Steve on March 10, 2008 01:37 PM
46. Elvis will never return until Global Warming is addressed.

I've saw him back in the 70s and he was sweating like a pig in July.

Imagine how miserable he'd be if he left his secret air-conditioned bunker and came back into the public light. It would not be pretty, my friends. Not pretty at all.

That reminds me, I need to rent "Bubba Ho-tep" again.

Posted by: Smoley on March 10, 2008 02:38 PM
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