In times of crisis Americans always turn to a man of strength, with a face they can trust, a voice they can heed. The 2008 presidential election has been the most historic in this Republic's history. The most historic race since 2004 at any rate. Which in turn was the most historic since 2000; and that happened to be the most historic race since 1996; which was even more historic than the 1992 race...

Watching the contest unfold on television, on the Internet, in the newspapers and over radio one can't help but feel that not everything is there. Something is missing like the front teeth in your cousin Merle's mouth after he backsassed your grandma once too often. As the results from primary after primary and caucus after caucus go rolling across your television screen like an El Camino in a trailer park there has been a key ingredient lacking in the nightly media coverage.

What's deficient is the wisdom, lucidity and level headed commentary of Dan Rather.

Mock the man's lack of commitment to basic journalist ethics all you want. But you gotta miss those folksy Dan Ratherisms as he prattled away, hour after hour, every election night.

Like a whiskey-toting Texas tinker tipsy on his mule; the television anchor told those timeless truisms with a straight tongue. Similar in coherence to lyrics from a Dylan song his words of power resonate today as much as they did in 2000 and 2004.

As crazy and bizarre as this presidential race has been - for both Republicans and Democrats - you can only imagine the cornball analogies America would be treated to every night from an aged, sleep-deprived Rather desperately trying keep television viewers from switching the channel to NBC, ABC, CNN or FOXNews.

It would be more fun than a box full of bottle rockets in a pet store.

Here are the very best of the best Ratherisms...

Ratherisms about the contest... Or something naughtier?

This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O.
This race is tight like a too small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
Put on a cup of coffee, this race isn't going to be over for awhile.
The election is closer than Lassie and Timmy.
Tight as the pages in a book.
Reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten.
This will show you how tight it is - it's Spandex tight.
It's too early to say he has the whip hand.
This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.
The presidential race is still hotter than a Laredo parking lot.
He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack.
This election swings like one of the pendulum things.
You talk about a ding dong, knock down, get-up race.

Ratherisms about the States

What about Michigan? It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?
Now Florida, that race, the heat from it is hot enough to peel house paint.
He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park.
The situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache.
If he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town.
We keep talking about Ohio if you've been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on and adult - or otherwise - beverage.
It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August.
Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal.
Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won.
In southern states they beat him like a rented mule.

Ratherisms about media prognosticators and general no-nothing blowhards

When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all day hunter.
If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned.
It's one reason so many of them drink a lot.
Don't bet the trailer money yet.
What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided.
Maybe you can bring some perspective on this; we're plum out.
When the going gets weird, anchor men punt.
None of this television mumbo-jumbo; let's get in there and count the votes.
Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon.
We've lived by the crystal ball; we're eating so much broken glass, we're in critical condition.
It's beginning to get exciting as the Democrats' fingernails are starting to sweat.

Ratherisms on... well...ummm... critters?

If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun.
Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled but under the water paddling like crazy?
The returns are running like a squirrel in a cage.
It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or mug wamp, elected officials play it straight.
We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago.
Two hands worth of white knuckle still hanging ten.
We had a slight hitch in our giddy up but we corrected that.
One's reminded of that old saying 'Don't taunt the alligator until you've crossed the creek'.