With Christmas now just five days away Americans on the whole have probably been bombarded with hundreds of holiday songs. You can probably get a grant from the federal government to do a study on this. Call your congressman now.

Admittedly many of the songs are classics (Little Drummer Boy, Good King Wenceslaus, Walking in a Winter Wonderland) and some are even musical masterpieces; Handel's "Messiah".

But more often than not you get some bad cover performed by a soon-to-be washed-up rock or country singer trying to squeeze a few extra shekels out of their fans. Or you have your up-and-coming pop act beating the one-hit-wonder horse for every thing they've got.

Like an acoustic water-boarding these songs are played over and over by thoughtless program managers at radio stations, as muzak in department stores and supermarkets and by the annoyingly festive co-worker at your office.

Exhaustive research has gone into the production of this list. Initially my goal was simply to share some of my favorite songs. Knowing my sense of humor and my notorious taste in music Sound Politics readers can probably guess their quality.

With education ultimately leading to legislative and legal action hopefully next Christmas can be made more jolly by having the worst of these offenders forever removed from American culture.

If by chance I missed any tunes, be kind enough to share. Or if you're even nicer, don't.

The Worst

"Christmas in the Northwest" Brenda Kutz White (1985)

I have a great deal of nostalgia for "Christmas in the Northwest". At White Center Heights Elementary I seem to recall being herded into the gym every December to listen to it as part of our school holiday concert. The asbestos particulates from the heating system wasn't all that was harmful floating in the air.

For two decades we've been forced to hear this song for every telethon and fundraiser that's held even remotely close Christmas. After two decades, locals have taken it kind of hard. A friend of mine, who is a sixth generation Washingtonian, said it drives her nuts every time she hears it. I almost got in a fight with my mom once when I joked about her liking it. It's no laughing matter when you consider that Seasonal Affective Disorder was first diagnosed around the same time Brenda White recorded this song. I don't believe in coincidences.

"Penguin, James Penguin" - Brad Paisley (2006)
Paisley has done the oddest collection of country songs since Tom T. Hall. And that can be taken as a complement by some folks.

"Last Christmas" Wham! (1984)
Incredibly there are people using their real names online saying this is their favorite Christmas song ever. Who knew George Michael touched so many people that way?

"Happy Christmas (War is Over)" - John Lennon & The Plastic Ono Band (1972)
Another self-promotional piece of tripe from John Lennon's solo career. He was never about ending the Vietnam War. He was about John Lennon wanting to end the Vietnam War. And then there's Yoko Ono playing lead banshee by screeching during the chorus.

"Blue Christmas" - Elvis Presley (1957)
Sung by the future namesake of King County.

"Christmas at Ground Zero" - Weird Al Yankovic (1986)
All of your Christmases will be white during nuclear winter.

"Rock and Roll Christmas" - George Thorogood (1983)
Apparently during the holidays, Lonesome George doesn't drink alone.

"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" - The Ramones (1987)
Punk may be dead. And Joey, Johnny and Dee Dee might be in the grave too. And, ummm, not sure where I was going with this...

"Have a Cheeky Christmas" - The Cheeky Girls (2003)
How can a Christmas carol sung by a pair of scantily clad Rumanian twins measuring 34-24-34 be bad? You be the judge.

"Do They Know It's Christmas" - Band Aid (1984)
If you can feed and clothe a child for a month on just what you spend on the price of a cup of coffee, I've always wondered how many tons of flour and rice could have been bought from money blown by Band Aid participants on heroin, cocaine, cars, private jets, mansions, male prostitutes, hookers, parties and lawsuits. Of course with the financial straits that many of these musicians must now be in, maybe a Band Aid to raise money for ex-Band Aid participants is in order.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Kenny G. (1997)
I always smile when I listen to folks who moved up here in the 1990s talk about how great the music was in Seattle. I've got one and a half words for ya. Kenny G.

"Thank God It's Christmas" - Queen (1984)

"Falling Leaves" - John Denver (1987)
One does have to miss John Denver's appearances on TV during Christmas specials, on the Muppets and on the news fighting off domestic violence charges. Incidentally, if anyone reading this ever happens to become a famous actor or musician, never, never, ever fly in single engine airplane. Especially if its one you built by yourself.

"Step into Christmas" - Elton John (1974)
A very appropriate title given this post's topic.

"My Only Wish" - Britney Spears (2000)
Maybe she can wish for an effective oral contraceptive next year.

"Christmas in Dallas" - The 1986 Dallas Cowboys (1986)
Unless you were born in Texas there is no reason ever to root for the Cowboys. And through the decades there are too many reasons for real football fans to hate "America's Team". Add "Christmas in Dallas" to the list.

"12 Days of Christmas" - Jeff Foxworthy (2000)
You might be a redneck if you've heard this twist to the old standby. Personally, you're just not right if some of the gifts mentioned don't apply to you. Parts to a Mustang GT? This guy right here. *raises hand*

"Wonderful Christmas Time" - Paul McCartney (1979)
Seattle Weekly editor Mike Seely calls this the most brutal Christmas song ever made. Hard to argue. Of course he's a fan of Band Aid's aforementioned ditty so go figure.

"Christmas Shoes" - Newsong (2000)
This song's premise is about a little boy waiting in line to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother but he doesn't have enough scratch so he hits up a stranger to pick up the tab. A nice little scam if ever there was one. I had never heard of this tune until my buddy brought it up. Now I'm wishing he hadn't. After being released by a Christian vocal group "Christmas Shoes" spawned a children's book and movie. Of course the listeners aren't supposed to wonder why the kid is blowing cash on shoes. Gotta agree with my friend when he says "How about you get her a kidney you little brat?"

"Hard Candy Christmas" - Dolly Parton (1982)
Nothing says wholesome family values like a song from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

"Christmas Through Your Eyes" - Gloria Estefan (1993)
Try to resist putting a candy cane through your eyes...and ears.

"Father Christmas" The Kinks (1977)
When you've made a classic about a man falling in love with a cross-dresser why would would a talented group like the Kinks feel the need to do a Christmas song?

"Let it be Christmas" - Alan Jackson (2002)
And let Alan Jackson sing songs once again that don't profit from Christmas, exploit terrorism or cover tunes once sung by more talented musicians.

"Hey Santa!" - Carnie and Wendy Wilson (1993)
Obviously the apples fell pretty far from this tree.

"Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" - Amy Grant (1992)

"A Christmas to Remember" - Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton (1984)
There used to be a day when people only had five television stations and they were made to watch Christmas specials on the tube every December. Yes I was forced to watch Kenny and Dolly's superb performance on our old Zenith as a kid. I try not to talk about it much.

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Dokken (2007)

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Twisted Sister (2006)

Both of the above songs can be found on Christmas Monster Ballads now out on CD and featuring tracks from Queensryche, Billy Idol, Skid Row and other Metal favorites. If ever there was a way to show someone how you really felt about them, stuffing some bitchin Xmas guitar licks into their stocking will do the trick.

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - U2 (1987)

"Some Day at Christmas (There'll be no war)" - Stevie Wonder (1967)
Until then we'll have to keep dropping laser guided sub-munitions on throat-cutters seeking to create a new Caliphate.

"Santa Baby" - RuPaul (1997)
Someone actually thought producing a RuPaul Christmas album was a good idea.

"Celebrate Me Home" - Kenny Loggins (1977)

"Christmas in Dixie" - Alabama (1982)
If you're gonna sing on Christmas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band.

"It's Christmas All Over the World" - Sheena Easton (1987)
From the Santa Claus: The Movie starring Dudley Moore.

"Merry Christmas Santa Claus" - Max Headroom (1986)
That Columbian gold that the CIA was peddling in the 1980s; I don't know what chemical they were lacing it with but it certainly produced some interesting results.

Extra: Oh, and to show I'm not a Grinch, here are four of my favorite modern Christmas songs that I came across.

"I am Santa Claus" - Bob Rivers Twisted Radio (1993)
Bob Rivers is a local icon almost of the same importance as "Almost Live" or Chubby and Tubby. To be fair this song shouldn't be in this bad Christmas song discussion unless you're talking about it being the most bad-ass Christmas carol ever. Rivers has done some other admirable Christmas parodies, "Aquaclaus", "Jingle Hells Bells" and "Merry Christmas Allah". They don't top "I am Santa Claus".

"Happy Birthday Jesus" - R. Lee Ermey (1987)
Probably the most touching musical refrain ever.

"Christmas With the Devil" - Spinal Tap (1984)

"Christmas Is All Around" - Billy Mack (2003)
OK, I don't want anyone giving me guff about paying money to see a Hugh Grant movie at the theaters. And buying the CD. And watching it on cable. Multiple times. There's a good reason. Well, a couple good reasons.

Results: Personally, my vote for worst Christmas song is either "Cheeky Christmas" or "Last Christmas" by Wham!

Naughty and nice: Arwen correctly points out that I didn't put "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer". This is because I was testing the readers. Yeah, that's the ticket. Arwen, your Soundpolitics No-Prize is in the mail.

I think I'm forced to give out TheTim's IP address so people can track him down to thank him personally for his contribution.

Thanks to Mike Seely. It wouldn't be a Sound Politics Christmas Special without a celebrity guest appearance.

Ralph N. points out "Christmas at Denny's" by Randy Stonehill. Perhaps.

I'm more fond of the cover performed by our very own Chris Nandor, aka, Pudge.
If this version of "Christmas at Denny's" doesn't hit Double Myrrh then there isn't any justice in the world.